Tuesday, June 26, 2012


So I ended up telling my employer I didn't want the job.  When she hired me she said to let her know if it wasn't my thing, and I wish I could have told her sooner but I kept on, trying to see if it got better.  In a nutshell, the idea of having someone so dependent on me, and only on me, for entire stretches at a time was just about terrifying.  The thought of doing it alone beginning next week had me so anxious that I haven't been able to sleep the past couple of nights.  Doesn't sound very me, right?  For those of you who know me personally I'm just about as laid back and calm as they come. "I can take care of this" is practically my motto.  I guess I've learned a thing or two about myself in the past couple of weeks.

As for my previous post, it was written on a good day (and of course there would have been good days in the future, too), but also it was written on a day before a lovely 4 day weekend/break from the next time I had to go in.  I know that had an influence on my super good mood.  But I took it as a sign that my disposition had changed so drastically within the past, not even, two weeks.

This morning was spent in decision-making-agony and finally calling not only my employer, but the household where I was a personal assistant to let them know that I wouldn't be coming in today, and why.  I hate letting people down and I have terrible feelings of guilt when I do.  I also feel, at least a little bit, that I've let down J since I optioned out of a job willingly.  But I've spent a chunk of the day job-hunting and writing cover letters for jobs more up my alley.  So here's to hoping!

It's beautiful and sunny today, and around 70F.  Rather nice weather, especially compared to yesterday.  Yesterday was dreary and rainy and just awful.  It truly was a terrible, blue Monday.

This weekend J's parents are coming to visit, and believe it or not, that will be nice.  Most people probably dread their in-laws coming to visit, but as stated previously, I enjoy his family.  Who knows what we'll get up to.  J's sister and brother-in-law are out of town for the week so we're stopping by daily to feed their cats.  Whenever we're there they're usually pretty unsociable, but perhaps that's because there are usually a ton of people there when we are there.  It was nice to "see a different side" of them so to speak. Truly, though, it made me miss having a pet.  J and I are definitely getting a dog some day, when we're allowed (our current place doesn't) and when we have a little bit more room. =)


Fredrik Andersson said...

Too bad it wasn't for you but at least you tried it. Don't feel bad about it, we all have different strengths and finding them isn't always the easiest thing.

Jessica said...

Thanks, Fredrik!

That's what I'll have to tell myself, at least I gave it a fair shot. Sometimes I think I'm too hard on myself.

Anonymous said...

I definitely understand feeling guilty about letting people down. I also feel like I've gotten to know myself (and my limits) a lot better since I've been living here, and I'm a lot more able to say no to things than I was in the past, which I'm thankful for. Good luck on the next job opportunity!

Jessica said...


When I first moved here I took a big confidence blow, it was terrible! I'm such an independent person and as you've probably read before, I was afraid to even open the door to the apartment and go to the store. At least I've gotten that kind of confidence back - just going and doing without any fear at all. I guess there are still some things I'm learning about that I'm just not comfortable with!

Ben said...

It seems to me that you have made the right choice. A job that keeps you awake at night is not - unless you are working night shift ;-) worth having.

You have to take care of yourself first, before you can take care of others. No need to feel guilty about that.

It is good that you did not wait too long to decide. Now you can move on...

Jessica said...

Thanks, Ben. =)